I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
