I accidentally burped into my bong.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I know her cup size but not her name....
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
