just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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