I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
