I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
