just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
