life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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