I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
