you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
