why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
