A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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