margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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