You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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