upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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