If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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