Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
