I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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