At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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