i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
