you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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