Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
