Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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