So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
