Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
