I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
