Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
