Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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