You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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