Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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