My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
