I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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