i jhust puked up my retainher.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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