but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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