A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
