Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
