you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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