You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
