I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
