Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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