she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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