Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
