She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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