I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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