He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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