walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
