i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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