i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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