There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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