the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
