she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
