Whod you bang
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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