Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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