Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
