theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
