if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
