I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You are a genius and a whore.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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