SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
