it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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