Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
