Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
