so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Oh god it's open bar.
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