I think I won the penis lottery.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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