people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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