made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
