I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
