i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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