I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
