youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
