make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize