so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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