just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
