OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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