haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Terrible idea I love it
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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