I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
