I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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